Almost at the year mark

At 3:30 in the am I am sitting at my computer.....I don't think I will sleep tonight. I have watched a movie, played internet games, submitted new posts, and still can't calm down. I tried to sleep, I did lay down for a few hours, but my brain kept returning to the sense of impending doom. Here we are, the day I took Julia to the E.R. for a b/g reading of HI. The day I had to do battle with a doctor in the E.R., the day we knew, even if she wasn't diagnosed yet, the day everything added up in our heads, the day that I knew what it was like to be the mom of a child with a chronic illness that nobody wants, nobody understands, and nobody cares about because it isn't an epicdemic.....diabetes, type 1 at that.

This first year has been a journey of self discovery though. I have learned that I have feelings that I never knew I had, and prejiduces too, that I am working on ridding myself of. I found out how little some people care, I found out who my real friends were, too. People who didn't understand, but were willing to listen to me as I cried, or even in the odd happy moments like pump start. I have found happy in the oddest places, and worried about holidays in a way that no parent should ever have to. I have been lectured, and gave a few myself. I have taught many, but have also been taught by many as well. I have forged new bonds with many new people that I haven't even met face to face because we have common ground, I have written senators, congressmen, and people in our local legistlator, and the govoner of Idaho. My daughter has been on the news, she has written the president about her new life, and recived a form letter, and photo back. She has risen to new heights, no longer scared of "pokey" things, she is able to be far more comasionate then a 6 year old usually is, she can count higher then anyone in her class, and is learning to count by 15's from hearing mommy do it so many times, she knows how to do her b/g, and work a few small function on her pump.

We have cried, we have laughed, taken vacations, and led a pretty normal life for the most part. Julia is a normal kid who gets her insulin in a different way. I am the typical run of the mill worry wart mom. I am actually scared that one of my other kids will start down the diabetes trail today, how weird would that be. Even knowing that the chances of that happening are nil, I still can't sleep, or remove the thoughts and feeling from my head, and my heart. You see, I've had a newborn for the last year, though it isn't a boy, or girl, there are no pink ribbons, or cute little football outfits. Those were replaced with syringes, infusion sets, pumps, meters, testing strips, lancets, extra lancing devices, and a whole new collection of books. My newborn is diabetes. It will never grow out of the phase of keeping me up at night, even when she is grown, and on her own, I bet I still have nights like tonight where everything is fine, but still I worry about it all, and don't sleep as a result. I will always wonder what is next? Will they find a cure? Is it possible to cure? Will she be able to have a baby? Will she have complications? Complications are almost certain. Her dad has only had one small one, and it has been well over 20 yrs, so that does bring me comfort, but then comes more......Will she take care of herself? specially as a teen? Will she be happy? Will she have kids of her own? Will she be able to? Will they have diabetes?

If you are reading this I know this must sounds strange. It must sounds as if I have decided to loose my mind for our anniversary. I have planned on handling this with a stiff upper lip, and making it not nessisarily a happy day, but marking it with a few special events like taking toys to the hospital as they didn't have many that were in tact, and letting Julia pick a fun dinner complete with desert. I am not handling this as I had planned though. I have thrown dignity out the window, and have decided to rant on this blog, and the CWD website. What else is there to do? Later today as the kids, and my wonderful husband awake I will set all of this aside and put my party face on. Today is Joey's Birthday, the day that Julia's dad, and I diagnosed her. We are making Joey's day extra special this year to try to counteract last years visit to the E.R. and hopefully it works.

Wishing you all good b/g's, a happy day, and a cure soon to follow.